JOKE NO.1
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town,
doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town,
when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
JOKE NO.2
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."
JOKE NO.3
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
"Mom, what are those things on your chest?"
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow,
quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question.
His father, always quick with the answers, says,
"Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven."
Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early.
Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!"
His father says, "Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’"
JOKE NO.4
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
o O...
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy,
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach.
(draws two circles)
O o
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."
JOKE NO.5
A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up fucking everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!" Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be. Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it." So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice.
This went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!" Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it! What sould I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!"
JOKE NO.6
One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the toilet bowl, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"
JOKE NO.7
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard right?"
JOKE NO.8
It was Christmas time and the housewife was waiting impatiently at the front gate for the garbage truck. One by one, she took the garbos to the bedroom and made passionate love to them.
Finally, it was the driver's turn, but he was bitterly disappointed when she gave him $20.
"What's this?", he cried.
"For Christmas", she replied. "My husband said, 'give the driver $20 and fuck the rest."
JOKE NO.9
"Oh no, it's my husband!", she said to her boyfriend on hearing the front door slam. "Quick hide in the wardrobe!"
He grabbed his clothes and dashed from the bed to the wardrobe. After a few minutes, another voice said quietly, "It's damn dark in here, isn't it?"
The man, shivering in the nude, said, "Who's there?"
The little voice replied, "Give me $50 and I won't yell out to Dad and tell him who you are."
In no position to argue, he handed over the money, and at the appropriate time made a quick dash out the window.
The following week, Junior came home with a brand new set of roller blades. His mother queried, "Where did you get the money for those?"
"I had $50", he replied.
"Where did you get that kind of money?", but Junior wasn't telling.
Convinced her son was up to no good, she ordered him to go to Church. "Confession will fix you up, my boy. You'll have to tell the Priest", and she pushed him into the confessional box and shut the door.
"It's damn dark in here", he said out loud.
"Now, don't start that again!", said the Priest.
*the man is a priest
JOKE NO.10
Dave watched his flat chested wife try on her new bra.
"What do you want a bra for? You've got nothing to put in them", he smirked.
"I don't complain when you buy underpants she replied.
*the husband penis small
JOKE NO.11
George wasn't feeling too good. He felt worn out.
"How's your sex life?" asked the doctor.
"Every Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday, never fail", said George.
"Why not cut out Sunday?", suggested the doctor.
"I can't do that. It's the only day I'm home."
JOKE NO.12
The husband comes home early from work and finds his neighbour in bed with his wife.
"I've looked after you for all these years, you bastard!" he shouted at his neighbour, "I've lent you money, loaned you my car, after all I've done for you... and stop doing that while I'm talking to you!"
JOKE NO.13
"Doctor, I feel weak and faint."
"How many times do you have sex?", asked the doctor.
"Five or six times a night."
"Obviously that's the cause of your problem", said the doctor.
"What a relief, doc. I was afraid it might be the masturbation."
JOKE NO.14
The young parents used code words when discussing sex in front of their children. The terms for intercourse ws "washing machine".
They were lying in bed one night when he said to her, "Darling, washing machine."
"Not now, I've got a headache", she replied.
An hour later, he ran his hand down her leg and said, "Darling, washing machine, please! washing machine."
"I've got a headache!", she complained.
An hour later, feeling sorry for him, she turned to him and said, "O.K. washing machine."
"Don't worry", he replied, "it was a small load so I did it by hand."
JOKE NO.15
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
JOKE NO.16
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
JOKE NO.17
A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"
JOKE NO.18
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".
JOKE NO.19
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
JOKE NO.20
Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.
The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?"
The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me?"
JOKE NO.21
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."
JOKE NO.22
A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.
Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts.
True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............
...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.
The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"
JOKE NO.23
A man is approached by a co-worker at lunch and invites him out for few beers after work. The man says his wife would never go for it—that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggests a way to overcome that problem: “When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife’s panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she’ll never mention that you were out late with the boys.” The man agrees to try it, goes out and enjoys himself. Later that night, he sneaks into the house, slides down under the sheets, gently slides down his wife’s panties, and gives her oral sex.She moans and groans with pleasure, but after a little while, he realizes he has to take a leak. He tells her he’ll be right back, gets out of bed and walks down the hall to the bathroom. When he opens the door and goes in, he sees his wife sitting on the toilet. “How the hell did you get in here?” he asks. “Shhhhh!!!” she replies. “Mom’s visiting. You might wake her up!”
JOKE NO.24
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Three cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other two were drunks. She soon decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. So one day, the widow told him, “You’ve done a really good job. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. He returned at around 2:30AM.Upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine. She quietly called him over to her: “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.” He did, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. “Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. “Now take off my bra.” She then looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired!”
JOKE NO.25
God was just about done creating the universe and had a couple of things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple, who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.” Adam jumped up and begged: “Oh, give that to me! When I’m working in the garden or taming the animals, I could just let it rip. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please…”
On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam wanted it so badly, she really wouldn’t mind if he were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was given to Adam. “Very well,” God said, “the last gift goes to Eve then.” He looked back into His bag of leftover gifts. “So...what’s left here? Oh, I see…multiple orgasms...”
JOKE NO.26
A guy and a girl get on an elevator in a hospital. The guy hits three and asks the girl, “Which floor?” To which she replies, “Four, please.” Making conversation, the girl says, “I’m here to give blood. What are you here for?” The guy says, “I’m actually here to donate sperm. They give me P4,000 for it.” “That’s unfair! I only get P500 for giving plasma!” she says. They get off the elevators on their respective floors.The next week, the same guy gets on the elevator to donate sperm once more. Lo and behold, the girl he met last week is there again. “Nice to see you again. So, which floor, miss?” “Mmmmph!” she says holding up three fingers.
JOKE NO.27
A man goes to the pharmacy to buy a condom. At the counter, the female pharmacist asks him what his size is. The man is amazed that condoms come in sizes and answers, “I don’t know my size. Will you help me?” The woman asks the man to go at the back of the pharmacy in the sofa. The woman lies down on the sofa as the man, confused at the situation, takes off his shorts and inserts his penis in the woman’s pussy. “Size B,” the woman answers. “Okay, take it out. How many condoms would you like?” The man asks for two and goes home. Feeling ecstatic over what just happened, he tells the good news to his friend. His friend could not believe so he goes to the pharmacy to try it out himself.The friend tells the female pharmacist that he does not know what his size is, so she assists him to the back of the pharmacy and asks him to insert his penis in her pussy. “Size C, okay?” the woman says. “Now take it out.” The man refuses to take it out, and instead fucks the woman until he comes. The woman then asks, “Wait, wait, how many are you buying?” “I’m not buying one,” says the man. “I just came in for fitting.”
JOKE NO.28
An old man is on the beach. He spots a beautiful girl in a hot pink bikini and walks up to her. “Lady, I want to feel your breasts!” he exclaims. “Get away from me, you crazy old man!” she replies. “I want to feel your breasts. I will give you P500,” he says. “Five hundred pesos? Are you nuts?! Get away from me!” the lady shouts in disgust. “I really want to feel your breasts, I will give you P1,000,” he insists. “No, pervert! Get away from me!” “Two thousand pesos!” he offers. She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, “I said no!” “Okay, P5,000 if you let me feel your breasts!” he exclaims. She gives it a thought, “Well he is old, and he seems harmless enough. After all, P5,000 is a lot of money...” Finally she agrees.“Well, okay, but only for a minute.” She loosens her bikini top. They go to an isolated part of the beach and there, he slides his hands underneath the bikini and begins to feel the lady’s soft breasts. “Oh my God... Oh my God... Oh my God...” the old man, sweating, keeps on saying while caressing the woman. Out of curiosity, she asks him, “Why do you keep saying, ‘Oh my God, oh my God’?” While continuing to feel her breasts, he answered, “ Oh my God... Oh my God... Oh my God... Where am I ever going to get P5,000?!”
JOKE NO.29
A man who just got his salary decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good you can see my house far away up on that hill.” The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing. “What’s so funny?” asks the clerk. “I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in your house,” the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he gives the man two bullets. “I’ll give you this scope for free if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s penis off.” The man takes another look through the scope and says: “You know what? I think I can do it in one shot.”
JOKE NO.30
A newlywed couple is on their honeymoon. Looking forward to wild sex, the anticipation was too much to bear for the husband so he died on the nuptial bed. Utterly devastated, the wife decides to preserve her husband’s massive penis by cutting it off him, to hang on a wall, to be taken off and be used for her pleasure.Every night, she takes the preserved penis off the wall and kisses it, licks it, inserts it in her. A neighbor sees this routine and comes up with an idea. He makes a hole in the wall, removes the dead man’s penis from the wall and inserts his instead. The lady comes home, gets a knife and cuts the penis off the wall. “Darling we are moving house today.” Ouch!
JOKE NO.31
A housewife heard a knock at the door, and when she answered, a man asked her if she had a vagina. The woman slammed the door in disbelief at what the stranger had said. The following day, the same thing happened, so she decided to tell her husband. The husband was outraged. “Tomorrow I won’t go to work,” he said. “If the man returns and ask you if you have a vagina, say yes, and I will be hiding behind the door.”The next day the same man came again, and when the woman opened the door, he asked if she had a vagina. The woman replied, “Yes!” “Good,” the man said. “Then please tell your husband to stop fucking my wife.”
JOKE NO.32
A couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book. The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further, she got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband confused, asked, “What are you doing taking all your clothes off?” The wife replied, “You were playing with my pussy, I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.” The husband said, “No, not at all.” Then the wife asked, “Well what the hell were you doing then?” The husband replied, “I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book.”
JOKE NO.33
The King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina. That night, three of the Guards did plan to have sex with the Princess. The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn’t control himself. This made the other two smile. The Second Guard went in. After some time, “Ahhhhh!!!” The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn’t control himself. Finally, the Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards were as the Third Guard finished silently. The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn’t. Confused, the King asked why. He stuck his tongue out and said, “I neba pry fuk ur dahta, I zunt eban lik ur dahta!
i snapped a picture of you! :D
